AA Paradox

Here's the thing about AA that took me a while to realize: we tell newcomers to follow all the directions - get a home group, work the steps, go to meetings, get a sponsor, pray, make coffee, all of it. And that's the correct instruction. I tell my sponsees the same thing.

But last night I realized something. It's actually impossible for newcomers to follow all the directions. Not because they're lazy or defiant (though sure, sometimes). But because some of the directions sound absolutely insane when you're new.

If I had known what I was going to get by doing this AA thing, I would've just done it. There would've been no fight, no resistance. I would've been a good little AA soldier from day one. But I couldn't. Because even though people told me what would happen, I had no frame of reference. No context to understand what actually happens in those moments - when you get sober, work with others, make your amends, all that stuff.

You can't know until you know.

The Dog at the Vet

I was taking my dog to the vet recently. She hates it. Hates being held down, doesn't want her shots, gets violent. She's sweet otherwise, but when she's confronted with these events, she doesn't know how to react.

They gave her something to relax her, put her to sleep so they could do what needed to be done. They turned off the lights so she could rest. I was going through some personal stuff at the time, and the vet turned to me before walking out and said, "She just doesn't understand that she needs this stuff."

And I was like, holy crap. I'm the dog.

I don't understand that I need this stuff. It's impossible for me to be calm and actually get it because I don't know what's going to happen when I do it. Working the steps, doing AA - it's uncomfortable. It goes against every instinct. Just like the dog.

Then I realized: maybe I'm the dog, and God's the vet. Or the owner. Whatever. And maybe God loves me like I love my dog. And maybe God's saying, "You just need to go do this stuff. This is what's going to get you closer to me and give you a great life. I know you don't understand it. I know it's not comfortable. I know you don't want to do it. But if you do this stuff, it's going to draw you closer to me."

The Paradox Never Ends

This is sort of the paradox - maybe the burden, maybe the curse - of being sober in AA. Not just when you're new, but at any point in your sobriety.

This stuff was very, very true for me when I was new to AA. But even after being in AA for a while, I still don't know what the future is going to entail. What rewards, what punishments (so to speak) I'm going to get. What I'm going to have to do to stay sober and prosper through whatever's coming.

This never really stops being the case. You never really know what it's going to take to stay sober and be happy.

Any Lengths Means You Don't Know the Lengths

When the Big Book and people in AA talk about being willing to go to any lengths, I think this is what they're talking about. It's easy to say you're willing. It's a very different proposition to actually sign that blank check to Alcoholics Anonymous. To actually go to any lengths.

I think the very definition of "any lengths" is that you don't know what that means. You're signing up for the unknown.

In the Third Step in the Big Book, it talks about how "we thought well before we took this step." It says this after you say the prayer, which may have just been a humorous clerical oversight. But maybe there's some deeper meaning to that.

Maybe the point is that you can't think your way into this. The dog can't reason her way into understanding why she needs shots. She just needs someone who loves her to hold her down and do what needs to be done.

And then, afterward, she gets to go home and live a life where she doesn't get sick.