I remember walking into my first home group meeting in Florida. People were chattering, laughing, genuinely excited to see each other. I wasn't happy about anything at the time - I could barely string together a coherent thought - but there was something different about the energy in that room. Something inspirational, even though I couldn't name it then. That group stayed open during COVID. Never went online, never closed the doors. I watched people walk in off the street and get sober during a pandemic, when everything else was shut down.
When I think about what to recommend to newcomers, I want to suggest what works best for most people. And in my observation, people have way less positive outcomes in online meetings. Obviously it works for certain people, but when we're trying to help someone get sober, we throw everything against the wall and see what sticks. In-person fellowship is one of the biggest tools we have.
The Meeting Before and After the Meeting
I was always told that the meeting before the meeting and the meeting after the meeting were actually more important than the content of the meeting itself.
Think about it - in an online meeting, anybody can say whatever they want for their three minutes. They can sound great, quote the Big Book perfectly, seem like they have it all together. Then they click "leave meeting" and you have no idea who they really are.
In person? You watch people's feet, not their mouths. How do they talk to the newcomer who's crying in the parking lot? Do they help stack chairs or just leave when the prayer ends? Are they the same person at 6:45 PM as they are at 7:15 PM? That's how you know who's really working a program and who's just talking a good game.
Seeing Real Change
When I watched people in my home group, I could see that these people had really changed. Not just heard about it, not just assumed it - I could physically see it. The way someone starts standing straighter after six months. How their handshake gets firmer. The color returning to their face. How they move from the back row to the middle to eventually sharing regularly.
You can't see any of that through a webcam. You miss the transformation. And when you see that transformation in person, week after week, that's when you know: whatever they're doing, it works. These are people worth listening to.
The Accountability Problem
Online, you can turn off your camera and drink. You can mute yourself and order another bottle. You can be drunk during the meeting and no one knows. Hell, you can leave and no one really notices - your little box just disappears.
In person? People notice. They ask where you were last week. They can smell alcohol on you. They see your hands shake. They pull you aside after the meeting. Your absence affects the group. There's nowhere to hide, and that's exactly what most of us need.
Building Local Sobriety
Recovery doesn't happen in the abstract - it happens in your actual life, in your actual community. When you go to in-person meetings in Charlotte, you're building a network of people who live where you live. You run into them at Harris Teeter. They know the same bars, the same liquor stores, the same struggles with the same local problems. When your car breaks down, someone from your home group can give you a ride. When you're having a crisis at 11 PM, someone lives ten minutes away.
Online meetings give you connections all over the world, but what good is a sponsor in California when you're detoxing in Huntersville?
The Remote Sponsorship Exception
Now, there's maybe one exception where online might actually be beneficial - if you're in a truly remote location where you can't find anyone to sponsor you locally. My current sponsor does sponsor men remotely and says it works. Far be it from me to take his inventory.
But here's the thing - we way overthink what makes a "quality" sponsor. There are only two qualities that actually matter:
- Are you willing to listen to this person?
- Is it somebody other than yourself?
I've had sponsors with all kinds of backgrounds. One had a sixth-grade education. Others graduated college. None of them ever steered me wrong because I was willing to listen and they weren't caught up in my own mess inside my head. So before you decide you need some perfect remote sponsor, look around your local meetings again.
Why People Really Choose Online
Let's be honest about why most people prefer online meetings:
"I'm too busy" - But you had time to drink every night.
"I have social anxiety" - Social anxiety, when you reframe it from an AA lens, is really self-centered fear. We're worried about what people think of us. That's not a reason to avoid treatment for a fatal illness.
"I don't want people to see me" - Anonymity keeps you sick. We recover in community.
"It's more convenient" - Sobriety isn't convenient. Nothing worth having in life is convenient. This is literally a life-or-death struggle. That said, it's way more convenient than drinking ever was.
"I can multitask" - You can't half-ass sobriety. It requires your full attention.
"Gas is expensive" - How much were you spending on alcohol?
"I don't like the people at local meetings" - Try different meetings. Or maybe the problem isn't them.
Look, I'm not painting everyone with a broad brush. Some people legitimately don't have cars and live somewhere with no public transit. Some are caring for someone who can't be left alone. I'm understanding and empathetic. But I'm also skeptical, because when I introspect on when I cut corners in my own recovery, a lot of times it's about taking the easier path.
The Bottom Line
This is just my experience. But I've never seen online meetings match what happens in a room. The collective laughter when someone tells the perfect story. The energy shift when someone takes their first chip. The moment of silence that falls naturally when someone shares something heavy. The ineffable something that happens when alcoholics gather in person to recover together.
My responsibility is to tell you the truth of my experience, which is that I've tried online meetings and they just don't match what happens in person. The magic that an in-person meeting has is simply not present on a screen. My alcoholism wants me isolated, clicking buttons alone in my room. Recovery happens when I show up, shake hands, and sit in uncomfortable chairs drinking bad coffee with other alcoholics.
Try It Yourself
If you're doing online meetings, I challenge you - try five in-person meetings before deciding they're not for you. Show up early, stay late. Help make coffee. Stack chairs. Stand in the parking lot and listen to someone's problems.
The Huntersville 164 Big Book Study meets every Monday at 7:00 PM. Come see what you might be missing. The magic happens in the room, not on the screen.
Everything you want out of life is just beyond your comfort zone. If you really want to give yourself the best shot, just try doing some in-person meetings.
Join us at quality Big Book study meetings in Charlotte. The Huntersville 164 South Group (Mondays 7 PM) and St. Augustine Men's Group (Thursdays 7 PM) offer the kind of in-person fellowship that makes recovery possible. You can find times, locations, and directions on our meeting schedule.